Self-Forgiveness
A Reflection by Karen Brugge
In recent years, I have noticed a yearning for a deeper, more authentic relationship with God. As I walked into this desire, I sensed I would need to be open to receiving God “just the way God is.” And I found myself faced with God wanting to love me “just the way I am.” Imperfections and all. The path of my yearning asked me to embrace what seemed like an impossible hope—the hope of self-forgiveness.
I lifted my strengths, gifts, and failures before the Holy One. I discovered my failure to love was often borne within wounds that could be healed and become a source of life-giving growth. The failures I cannot change are the ones that plagued me. Even after gleaning “lessons learned,” self-forgiveness eluded me. How could I reconcile the painful impact my failings had on others with the concept of being fully lovable by God? Our reality as imperfect humans and God’s reality of holding us “precious in God’s sight” are intrinsic components of a genuine relationship with God.
The possibility of self-forgiveness opened for me one day when I came upon an icon of Mary Magdalene hung in a place of honor inside Grace Cathedral in San Francisco. I saw in her eyes a woman who, like me, has struggled. She bore the transgressions of her own history, her “seven demons,” and still she had a close and treasured relationship with Jesus. She is pictured holding an egg—a symbol of new life. The icon invited me into the hope that maybe I, like Mary, am a woman who can be loved by our good God, imperfections and all.
The first steps along my path toward self-forgiveness required me to suspend self-judgment and to walk beyond the fear of what others might think of me. With God’s grace, I let down barriers that had shielded me from the impact of my transgressions. Grief, sorrow, and loving compassion for those I had hurt poured forth from my heart as tears flowed. Within my truth, I encountered God’s compassionate presence and unconditional love for me. Self-acceptance and self-compassion began to emerge. I met the hope described by Sr. Paula Hagen in a previous Retreat, Reflect, Renew monthly reflection: “Hope is the belief in your eternal value. The belief in a God who is present with unconditional love for you.”
Karen Brugge, Sacred Self Sacred Community facilitator
Karen is part of our Sacred Self, Sacred Community program starting in January.
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